A great deal of Americans enjoy porches. A similar number, estimated by some at around 32.3 million (milliones en espanol), enjoy the combination of porches, broccoli and iced tea (pronounced "ice tea"). Ice(d) tea is more popular in Kansas than Idaho, but most popular of all in Alabama. Lemon is a special ingredient that for some "provides quite a snap." In the words of Amelia Shepherd, aged 102, iced tea "is quite a gustatorial mofo." In short, iced tea and America make life more livable, and the proof is in the proverbial sausage.
Residents of Seattle enjoy the combination of hi-tech weaponry and iced tea. The Blue Angels (known to some as "Los angeles azules" or "Blue Los Angeles") recently made large segments of Seattle's population raise their eyebrows with awe and astonishment. Kids high-fived and winked at God and God winked back with trails of crystal smoke in the sky. Some discerned in the smoke lines Egyptian symbols, others the chemical constituents of ice(d) tea.
A leading inmate/sociologist, Johnston Longstocking, aged 82 and incarcerated in Huntsville for battery and forced tea leaf theft in an East Texas convenient store at butterfly knife point, writes the following prose poem on the important nexus between iced tea and the American elderly:
"the shiznit[i.e. the TEA] is good for the gray people. Makes them jumpy and tickles their sexuality. It is quite a friggin' boon for the economy. Plastic undergarment sales a rising, pee plentiful, bladders full, wallets getting fuller, sales of Lipton and Trojan a jumping mountain hurdles. Skyward limitations are awkwardly "aufgehoben" (Hegel style baby), and the ice(d) tea dialectic is a smashing up our meta-reality like house music. Pure goodness. Purely American. Sex at nursing homes has never been better."
Longstocking, who has not engaged in legal extra-penitentiary coitus for at least a couple of decades, was recently flogged at Huntsville for setting fire, in his cell no less, to homemade effigies of the Golden Girls (the whole crew replicated in paper mache). He claims that his ex-wife used to get belligerently drunk while watching Bea Arthur and Co. and then "beat his ass to pulp." The security guard, an A-hole with no appreciation for past psychological trauma whose name is indeed Jose friggin Cuervo (and yet who hasn't touched tequila since he was 8), got ornery and fired a bullet into Longstocking's burning effigies (thinking that they were rowdy self-immolators protesting Falun Gong or something). He called the Bea Arthur image a "puta" and shot her flaming face like thrice (at least that's what the reports say).
So the moral of this all is that iced tea makes people do good things and that those deprived of it should think about drinking more.
